Young Single Adults

Four years ago, on 1 November 2003, one of my best friends from college married my oldest brother in the Salt Lake Temple. This was such a happy event for me, for temple marriage and families are central to our Father's Plan for us.

"The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally."The Family: A Proclamation to the World

Since I was not only one of her best friends, but also her future sister-in-law, I became one of her five bridesmaids. As one of my duties I helped pick out the, all-important, wedding dress. Keeping in mind the guidelines for proper temple wedding attire, for the bride, we looked all over the place, at multiple dress stores, to find the perfect gown. At last we found it, and let me tell you this dress was beautiful. For those of the female gender, reading this post, I will briefly describe the gown.

It was a white/white corset styled gown that laced up the back, with a full skirt that fell into a small train. It was made in sateen with an embroidered sheer overlay. This was definitely what I would call a Cinderella dress or Princess gown. At the time, I thought to myself, "Self, I want a dress just like this someday when I get married."

Now, if you could only imagine my surprise, when the other day, my little brother (who had been visiting my oldest brother's family) brought home the dress, slip and veil stating that it was now mine, if it fit me, and if I wanted it. Apparently, my sister-in-law, who recently moved into a new apartment, was cleaning house and getting rid of unnecessary things, to simplify her life. Since she was never planning on using the gown again, she thought to send it to someone who someday would. With an ironic smile I went and tried it on. Lo and behold it was a perfect fit!

So now here I am a 25-year-old return missionary, with no prospects in sight, who already owns her wedding dress... Sigh. I just won't tell the guys about it. After all I wouldn't want to scare them away any more than they already are.

A few days ago, Gordon B. Hinckley, President and prophet of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, died. I was sitting with some close friends when I got the phone call, informing me of his death. When I related to my friends what had just occurred silence rang in the air. As I looked around our small group, I saw many teary eyes, and contemplative faces.

I cannot begin to describe with words alone how much President Hinckley has come to mean to me in my life. I will hold in my heart, love, honor, and gratitude for this man for the rest of my life.

I was in my youth when he became Prophet, which is probably why President Hinckley has had such a powerful impact in my life. I still remember sitting in an audience full of youth when he prayed to God on our behalf. I remember watching the newly filmed "Special Witnesses of Christ" and hearing/seeing him, as well as, the rest of the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles bare solemn witness of the life, divinity, and purpose of the Lord Jesus Christ. He was always concerned with the youth, young single adults in the church, and the world in general. I remember countless talks given in hope to strengthen, inspire, and guide us in becoming all we were created to be. One of my favorite talks was when he gave us the six B's (later added three more) to live by.

Many times in my life (often by single adults) I have been asked the question, "Why do we need a Prophet on the earth?" When faced with this sincere, valid question I would try to explain that for me a living Prophet was a sign of a loving and caring God. A prophet is a man called of God, to declare His word, to sound His warning, and to stand as His witness to draw all men closer to Christ.

When I would share this, often my friends would point out that we have scripture containing the word of God, which brings us unto Christ. Why do we need more? On once such occasion when faced with these questions, my mind turned back to a lesson my mother had taught me years ago, when I was a small child. The lesson strangely enough had to do with lighthouses.

I have always been enchanted with the concept of the lighthouse, and yet confused at the same time. I would picture a stormy night, and a ship lost at sea trying to find a safe harbor. Then right as he is about to give up, the captain sees a powerful light cutting through the darkness. He knows land and safety are near. This is where my understanding and thus imagination always faltered. Just because he knows that land is near, doesn't mean he is safe. How can one light help him to navigate the dangerous reefs and find the one way into the safe harbor? Knowing my mother had grown up in Hawaii near Pearl Harbor, I thought she might have an answer. She did. You see there are two lights she told me. The first is the lighthouse's light, which is powerful enough to cut through the darkness and warn that land was near. However, I was right that one light would not have the ability to guide the ship safely into the waiting harbor. That was the job of the second light that was always placed high up on a hill. Once the Captain spots the first light, he would immediately search for the second light. When he finds it, all he has to do is line the two lights up and he is shown the path cut through the deadly reefs that leads directly into the waiting harbor.

This story taught me why I need a prophet. We are like a ship lost on the tumultuous sea of life trying to find our way safely home to God's waiting harbor. In the midst of the stormy darkness we cannot see our way through the dangerous reef to the harbor. We cannot even see if we are heading in the right direction toward land. If we don't receive help soon, we will be lost for good. I picture the Spirit of God as that powerful lighthouse. The light of The Spirit cuts through the darkness and brings hope that land is near. Then we see that second light upon the hill, which I picture, as the Prophet. This light is not to replace the lighthouse's light, but to be used in accordance with the lighthouse, to illuminate the only safe path into the harbor.

I am thankful for the blessing of a living Prophet of God, who as he stands in accordance with the Holy Spirit, shows me that safe pathway home. I can now traverse the oceans of life with confidence, hope, and peace.

All these thoughts went through my mind the moment I was informed of President Hinckley’s death. I felt sorrow, for I will miss him more than I can say. However, soon I felt peace and joy, because I know that President Hinckley lived a full life, and is now reunited with many loved ones, including his dear wife, Marjorie. There was no concern because I know that the next Prophet will be called of God and has been prepared to take President Hinckley's place, as the living Prophet of God, on the Earth. He will be just as inspired, and just as worthy to fulfill such a heavy responsibility. I am sure that like Joshua, who followed Moses, God will be with our new Prophet.

I've been thinking a lot about testimonies recently, and of the power in a few simple, honest, sincere words. For those who are unfamiliar with the word, it is described as a spiritual witness that has been given by the Holy Ghost, or Holy Spirit as others may call it.

Gordon B. Hinckley, who was the president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints until January 27th when he died, had a very strong testimony. He'd been told in a special priesthood blessing, called a Patriarchal Blessing, that the very nations of this earth would hear his voice. Not only that, but through his testimony many would come to know the truth of gospel of Jesus Christ. He was only eleven at the time.

Can you even begin to imagine what his thoughts must have been over the years as he mused over these promises? Many of us might wish our own passionate words might help to bring others to the light of Christ. President Hinckley was promised, by the Lord, that if he lived righteously this very thing would happen.

Shortly after he left his mission for the Mormon Church he had the opportunity to share his testimony in London, Berlin, Paris, and Washington D.C. He was fairly certain he had fulfilled the promise in that short time. As he puts it:

"That proved to be a mere scratching of the surface. Since then I have lifted my voice on every continent, in cities large and small, all up and down from north to south and east to west across this broad world—from Cape Town to Stockholm, from Moscow to Tokyo to Montreal, in every great capital of the world. It is all a miracle" (Gordon B. Hinckley, “Seek Ye the Kingdom of God,” Ensign, May 2006).

A remarkable thing about someone bearing their testimony is that the testimony only grows stronger. We can move from saying, "I believe Jesus Christ lived" to saying with a firm knowledge "I know Jesus Christ lived." A testimony comes through study, prayer, and a sincere desire to know the truth.

You may be wondering why I've posted this in the Singles section of this blog. For most of our growing up years we are heavily influenced by our parents, other family members, church leaders and general community. They help to shape our standards, values, and outlook on life. There comes a time when we must make a break and decide for ourselves which path we will follow. The time must come for us to continue our lives beyond the home where we grew up.

I myself had to gain a personal testimony of this Church. I couldn't rely on that of my parents or leaders any longer. As I knelt to pray I had no way of knowing how my prayer would be answered. That was over 15 years ago. I have never forgotten what happened that day (if you'd like to read of my experience go to "Laurie Walker - Converted to the Mormon Church at 17").

We can all have a testimony. It is not something only given to those of the Mormon Church. Anyone who sincerely desires to know the truth of Jesus Christ, of God the Father, of our purpose here on earth, of Joseph Smith, of the Book of Mormon, of this Church can receive an answer. We are promised this in both the Bible and in the Book of Mormon, both scriptural witnesses of Jesus Christ.

"If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him" (James 1:5).

"And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost. And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things" (Moroni 10:4-5).

Gordon B. Hinckley had a firm testimony of the truth regarding the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I'd like to leave you with a small portion of his words given in the May 2006 Ensign Magazine.

"Now, in conclusion, I hope that all of you will remember that on this Sabbath day you heard me bear my witness that this is God’s holy work. The vision given the Prophet Joseph in the grove of Palmyra was not an imaginary thing. It was real. It occurred in the broad light of day. Both the Father and the Son spoke to the boy. He saw Them standing in the air above him. He heard Their voices. He gave heed to Their instruction.

It was the resurrected Lord who was introduced by His Father, the great God of the universe. For the first time in recorded history, both the Father and the Son appeared together to part the curtains and open this, the last and final dispensation, the dispensation of the fulness of times.

The Book of Mormon is all that it purports to be—a work recorded by prophets who lived anciently and whose words have come forth "to the convincing of the Jew and Gentile that Jesus is the Christ, the Eternal God, manifesting himself unto all nations" (Book of Mormon title page).

The priesthood has been restored under the hands of John the Baptist and Peter, James, and John. All the keys and authority pertaining to eternal life are exercised in this Church.

Joseph Smith was and is a prophet, the great Prophet of this dispensation. This Church, which carries the name of the Redeemer, is true.

I leave you my testimony, my witness, and my love for each of you, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen."

Gordon B. Hinckley, president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormon Church), had a secretary who just seemed to be in a rotten mood. He asked if there was anything he could do, and she promptly burst into tears.

Turns out that particular day she had turned 35, and felt as though she had nothing to show for it. In her eyes, she was a failure. To this President Hinckley said:

"So, you’re thirty-five? Happy birthday! According to actuarial tables you have more years ahead of you than you have behind you. Now with all you’ve learned over these thirty-five years, you can build and grow and live a wonderful and productive and happy life. Lift your head. Smile and be happy and go forward” (Gordon B. Hinckley, “To Single Adults,” Ensign, Jun 1989).

There are so many people out there who need you. There are so many burdens to lift. You never know when some experience you have had or a gift you possess may be the only thing that can help another through a difficult time. Isn't it extraordinary to think that you might be the tool our Heavenly Father uses to help bring another of His children back to Him? Or perhaps you may be the one person who can help keep someone from falling off the right path.

We are in a world where wickedness abounds, and yet our one voice can be a light to those who struggle. Who can we help to lift above the darkness?

"There are the homeless, there are the hungry, there are the destitute all around us. There are the aged who are alone in rest homes. There are handicapped children, and youth on drugs, and the sick and the homebound who cry out for a kind word. If you do not do it, who will?" (Gordon B. Hinckley, “To Single Adults,” Ensign, Jun 1989).

The funny thing is, you never know where you may find your greatest source of joy until you try. When I was asked to be a teacher over the Young Women (teen girls 12-17 in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints), I was terrified at first. It took a few months before I realized how passionate I feel about leading these strong, vibrant spirits! I've been in the Young Women program for over five years now, and I still feel that incredible force to help them rise above the life Satan would have for them.

There is a hymn that brilliantly depicts what our attitudes should be.

"Have I done any good in the world today?
Have I helped anyone in need?
Have I cheered up the sad and made someone feel glad?
If not, I have failed indeed.
Has anyone's burden been lighter today
Because I was willing to share?
Have the sick and the weary been helped on their way?
When they needed my help was I there?

There are chances for work all around just now,
Opportunities right in our way.
Do not let them pass by, saying, "Some day I'll try,"
But go and do something today.
'Tis noble of man to work and to give;
Love's labor has merit alone.
Only he who does something helps others to live.
To God each good work will be know."
(Will L. Thompson)

There is so much to be gained in this life if we will put ourselves into blessing the lives of others. There are opportunities to serve that pass by us every single day. If we will take those gifts God has given us, and the lessons we have learned through our life experiences, we can do so much to make the world a brighter, better place.

In the same talk mentioned above, President Hinckley spoke of Florence Nightengale. A young, single woman, no one could have imagined the extraordinary work she would make happen in her lifetime. Even though she was born to wealthy parents, Florence would not be satisfied with the life her station urged. Instead she began to visit hospitals where she saw so many suffering under inadequate care. These sights encouraged her to become a nurse, and worked hard enough to become a superintendant of a hospital in London.

It was at this time she, and thirty-eight other nurses, went to serve in the Crimean War. Under their incredible care thousands of soldiers were saved. She was declared a heroine.

She was one person, who had a gift for healing, a tender heart, and a strong spirit.

Now I'm not saying we should all aspire to change the world in some magnificent way. But isn't it just as important to change someone's world, even in a small way? A hug, a hello, or a listening ear; a few anonymously donated dollars; a dinner; a lawn mowed or a walkway shoveled; a note written, or perhaps a simple smile. You never know what act will help one of God's children to make it through another day.

Say a prayer today, and ask God to help you do some good.

A recent thread on a favorite bulletin board of mine invited us to come in and share with everyone some of the compliments we receive. The responses were uplifting and enlightening about many of the men and women I've chatted with over the years.

For many it was physical appearances: their lovely skin, thick and wavy hair, or their eyes. For others is was more characteristic traits: sense of humor, an even temper, and being a good listener.

Then there were the amazing talents: poets and writers, singers and teachers, and many who could cook and bake up the most delicious things.

My favorite compliments were the little things that showed me just a bit more about their personalities and the things that set them truly apart. One woman wrote of her abilities with children, of how she somehow really understands them even if they're not her own. A couple was complimented in the grocery store on how nicely they spoke to one another, as well as how sweet it was to see they were looking out for what the other liked and didn't like.

One of the sweetest compliments I've ever received came from a friend one Sunday at Relief Society (the women's organization of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, also known as the Mormon Church). The lesson that Sunday was on what makes us special, and our teacher invited us to mention something about another person in class.

My friend surprised me by saying every time we happened to meet I made her feel like the most important person in the world. She loved my big smile and the way I would focus right on her. I can't even begin to tell you what those dear words meant to me.

Words hold a particular power over how one's self-image is molded. N. Eldon Tanner, a former 1st Counselor in the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, spoke on this very thing.

"...[People] tend to live up to (or down to) the statements expressed about them. An honest, sincerely stated compliment helps to build character; criticism destroys it. Tearing down another's reputation or character never builds or betters our own. Expressing admiration for the accomplishments or character traits of another builds us as well as those about whom we speak" (N. Eldon Tanner, "'Nay, Speak No Ill'," Ensign, Mar 1973).

People will literally bloom under the warm rays of a sincere compliment. One of the most incredible effects of uplifting others is what it does for us. We cannot bless the lives of others without influencing our own for good.

To be on the other side of a compliment isn't easy for most everyone, I would think. We stammer and hide our heads and say, "No, not really." It's difficult to accept praise, and yet it's not that difficult to simply say, "Thank you so much. I really appreciate that." (It's taken me years to learn that's all there is to it!)

Many of us aren't too good at giving compliments. That certainly doesn't mean we should shy away from doing so. It just takes a bit of practice, and perhaps some goals to help us along.

President Tanner gives three fantastic ideas.

1. Write a note at least once a week to someone about an accomplishment. I am a huge fan of writing notes and letters to people. There is something so fantastic about having our best traits written down where we can read them again and again.

2. Give a compliment to at least one individual a day, in person or on the telephone. Few things are sweeter than hearing uplifting words from someone we hold dear.

3. Keep a secret record for a month of the number of times you are tempted to criticize and refrain from doing so. See if the number diminishes as you give sincere compliments instead. I would even go so far as to encourage you to give one compliment for every negative thought. What I love about this idea is you can see with your own eyes how your own way of thinking will change for the better.

The words we speak in this lifetime matter in eternity.

"... every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgement. For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned" (Matthew 12:36-37).

I wanted to post this on January 24th for one big reason: it's Compliment Day. Let today be a starting off point in making a difference in the lives of those you come in contact with. You never know when a few kind words will work to change the course of someone's life.

I remember going to a movie several years ago with my mother. It wasn’t the happiest of movies. In fact I still hesitate to watch it today as I find myself susceptible to the atmosphere of the things I watch. Of course if I’m looking for a good cry it’s perfect.

In this movie one specific young man at boarding school is struggling with a desire to please his father and become a doctor, or follow his own passion for acting. He tries out for the lead in a play and gets the coveted part, but has to keep this activity a secret. In fact his father doesn’t find out until after the play is over.

I don’t know what this young man thought. Perhaps he hoped his father would see how good he was in it, how happy he was doing it, and let go of the designs to make his son a doctor. It didn’t work out that way.

After having that taste of freedom, of doing something of his own choosing, and having it promptly taken away breaks something within this young man. He can’t imagine going back to the idea of being a doctor. The thought of spending years in medical school, ‘wasting his life away,’ drives him to do something unspeakable. He kills himself.

I told you it wasn’t the happiest of movies. As we drove home my mother asked me what I thought about the choice the young man had made. I thought killing himself was drastic, of course, and yet as a young adult myself I could understand how he might view the looming years of forced schooling in something he didn’t want to do as unbearable.

My mother then told me something I’ve never forgotten.

“It’s sad, you know,” she said. “He just wasted the entire rest of his life because of a few years of going to school. After that he could have walked away. He didn’t have to be a doctor, no matter how much money his dad put into the idea.”

It was during that time I was trying to figure out for myself what I needed to do about school. I had almost finished my freshman year at college, but had felt increasingly ill at ease with the thought of going back for a second year. The problem was everyone assumed I’d go back, and I wasn’t one for disappointing others.

I spent the next few weeks doing a lot of thinking and praying. One night I came to my parents and told them how I’d been feeling, and asked if they’d be okay with me staying home the next year to figure things out. Not everyone has supportive, understanding parents, but I certainly do.

As it turned out staying home and going off to work were two of the best decisions I’ve made. A few months later I met my husband. That was more than twelve years ago.

Whether it’s where we’ll go to school, our attitude in circumstances outside of our control, or where we want to see ourselves in ten or twenty years, it is up to us to make our dreams and hopes happen. Too often we might see others talk themselves out of the idea of finding happiness in their lives. Perhaps their dreams just need to be delayed for a while.

M. Russell Ballard, an apostle in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (nicknamed Mormon Church), spoke to a group of young single adults about doing the right things for the right reasons. In particular he talked of how our greatest education should be what happens as we build upon the things of the spirit.

“We cannot ignore keeping the commandments of God. We cannot excuse ourselves or rationalize or justify even the smallest things in our lives that we need to master. We must work to overcome them. We can become the masters of our own destinies by practicing self-discipline, by setting worthy goals that will lead to higher ground so that we can become what our heavenly Father wants us to become” (M. Russell Ballard, “Do Things That Make a Difference,” Ensign, Jun 1983).

Nothing worth having comes easy. If the young man from the movie I’ve talked about had only changed his attitude he might have been able to make both of the dreams happen. He could have gone to medical school, and found a way to stay involved in acting. He didn’t have to end what could have been a promising career.

I’m still working toward making my dream of having a college education a reality. Until my children are grown I'll have to put it on hold. It's not something I've given up on. I've just changed course for a time. Until the time I can continue this dream presents itself, I will pursue other dreams. I will be the master of my own happiness.

Can you imagine becoming a missionary, an emissary for the Lord, and living in sin? I certainly can’t, for “neither can filthiness or anything which is unclean be received into the kingdom of God” (Alma 7:21). If no unclean thing can inherit the kingdom of God, how could that same unclean spirit hope to teach and preach the word of God in the hopes of bringing others to Christ?

A young man of eighteen or nineteen, or a young woman approaching twenty-one, who is preparing to become a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or Mormon Church, must maintain a moral code. This includes being clean in dress, in speech, in action, and even in thought.

This probably sounds awfully strange to those who don’t regard the idea of moral cleanliness as being important. In fact, a missionary was once approached by a college student who felt this way. The student asked the missionary how he could possibly control his desires when there were so many beautiful girls around. In short, he thought it odd that someone would actually choose to remain chaste, that this missionary wasn’t exactly ‘normal.’

I found the missionary’s response enlightening, as well as indicative of how strong his spirit was. “I know I am responsible and in charge of my body. You think you are helpless in the face of your desires. You think you are a victim of them. I have proven to myself that I am the master of those feelings.”

Can you imagine being so in control of who you are and how you act that no one else can sway you to sin? In an article titled “Teaching Morality to Your Children” parents are given guidelines for children to help keep them strong, to help them understand that they are in control of their bodies, not the other way around. How is it children can understand and even accept this concept, yet as we grow older we lose that wisdom?

In most everything we watch, read, and listen to we are being encouraged to give in to the pleasures our bodies supposedly crave. Yet with each and every submission to these appetites we lose more and more control. We become slaves to addictions.

It doesn’t have to be this way. Look at the example of the missionary from above. Perhaps there was a time in his life that he wasn’t able to control his body so readily. Perhaps there was a time he made some serious mistakes. It doesn’t have to mean change isn’t possible, though Satan would certainly have you believe this.

“It would be a cruel trick indeed if the Lord had told us to keep our appetites and passions within certain bounds and then hadn’t placed us in charge of those appetites. We have not only the responsibility but also the capacity to behave in the way the Lord has commanded. Claims to the contrary are rationalizations” (Terrance D. Olsen, “Teaching Morality to Your Children,” Ensign, Mar 1981).

The easiest way to keep ourselves away from the appetites and passions that would slowly destroy us is to not start in the first place. In some recent allergy testing I’ve undergone, I discovered I have the potential to become an alcoholic. Yet I’ve never taken a drink. My reasons for this are varied: the Word of Wisdom warns against it (The Word of Wisdom is a law of health revealed by the Lord for the physical and spiritual benefit of His children), I watched what the effects of alcohol had on certain family members, and the idea of becoming inebriated was never enticing to me.

Yet because my spirit controls my body I never have to worry about becoming addicted to alcohol, nor any of the consequences that come with it.

This is not to say I’m currently in control of everything. I have terrible eating habits, and have yet to figure out how to quell my need for chocolate, carbohydrates, and loads and loads of sugar. I am fully aware it is necessary to retrain my body to realize it’s not in control.

If we have sinned, we can certainly repent. For those entering into the mission field this is necessary to be a strong missionary. For those of us who simple need to repent the going is not easy, but possible.

Of course the easiest road of all is not to commit sin at all. I think this is illustrated beautifully by a former president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and prophet of the Lord.

“Another error into which some transgressors fall is the illusion that they are somehow stronger for having committed sin and then lived through the period of repentance. This simply is not true. That man who resists temptation and lives without sin is far better off than the man who has fallen, no matter how repentant the latter may be. God will forgive—of that, we are sure. How satisfying to be cleansed from filthiness, but how much better it is never to have committed the sin! Even though one may have the assurance that God and all others have forgiven him, will a man ever totally forgive himself for gross sin? How splendid for one to be able to stand tall and look straight and honestly to affirm that, though he may have committed some follies and lesser errors, he has never broken the major laws!” (Spencer W. Kimball, “The Miracle of Forgiveness,” p. 357).

I’ve been thinking a lot lately of dating as a young, single adult, not because I am one (at least no longer single, nor as young as I used to be). It’s more because some of the young teen girls I’ve taught over the years are now becoming these young, single adults and I can’t help noticing a trend.

Apparently I’m not the only one whose noticed it, as even back in 2005 and 2006 certain leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (also known by the nicknames Mormons) felt inspired to speak on this very subject.

Dallin H. Oaks, a latter-day apostle in the Church, gave an address to young, single adults at a meeting on May 1, 2005. In it he referred to an article given in Time magazine where young adults age 18 – 25 had begun to become a distinct life stage where they didn’t really want to grow up. No longer were they in the adolescence of high school, but neither were they willing to step up and take on the responsibilities of becoming adults.

One of the most interesting trends developing even back then was the desire to just ‘hang out.’ As Oaks explains, “Hanging out consists of numbers of young men and young women joining together in some group activity. It is very different from dating” (Dallin H. Oaks, “Dating versus Hanging Out,” Ensign, Jun 2006).

While Mormon youth are certainly encouraged to just hang out, especially before the age of 16, it is not the case after they have graduated from high school. Oaks explains to young men:

“Gather your courage and look for someone to pair off with. Start with a variety of dates with a variety of young women, and when that phase yields to a good prospect, proceed to courtship.”

Ladies are certainly not off the hook.

“Young women, resist too much hanging out, and encourage dates that are simple, inexpensive, and frequent…Please make it easier for these shy males to ask for a simple, inexpensive date. Part of making it easier is to avoid implying that a date is something very serious…If you turn down a date, be kind. Otherwise you may crush a nervous and shy questioner and destroy him as a potential dater, and that could hurt some other sister.”

Even the word ‘dating’ can make anyone sweat. I have good news – going on a date doesn’t have to mean you’re engaged! Dates are meant to be fun, a way of getting to know someone better, and to see if it might lead to something more serious. It doesn’t have to skip straight to the serious.

Dates don’t have to be expensive. One of my favorite ‘dates’ with my husband was going up into the mountains where we can enjoy a short hike, then heading out for some ice cream after. Including gas the date cost less than $10. Yet it’s one of our most memorable.

I'm not discouraging the act of hanging out, just don’t do it too often. Now is the time to begin looking for someone special that you can spend the rest of your life with. It’s a time to see what values and morals you prefer in a mate. This is much more easily done when you have some one-on-one time together.

I really think Oaks puts it best:

“We counsel you to channel your associations with the opposite sex into dating patterns that have the potential to mature into marriage, not hanging-out patterns that only have the prospect to mature into team sports like touch football. Marriage is not a group activity – at least, not until the children come along.”