Young Single Adults

My friend (who was feeling rather poorly) invited me to come over to her home, the other day. She said that she was in the mood to watch a chick-flick, eat chocolate, and talk about life. I was happy to oblige her. There was a particular movie she wanted to watch, for as she put it, one of the main characters reminded her of me. As I began to watch, I realized that the resemblance between me and this fictional character were uncommonly similar. This, said, the movie was quite the wake up call. I swallowed a few hard truths about myself and how I approach relationships, which is probably why I haven't had much success. Later, the more I thought of it, the more I realized, that a lot of girls that I know, who are still single, are just like her, as well.

What was this woman like? Well, she was an intelligent, beautiful, sensitive, romantic woman. She was never lacking in friendship, but those friendships rarely developed into any real relationships. She was the one that men felt was “safe.” She gave her heart to a man who took it, and kept it, but did not return the favor. He gave his heart elsewhere, but kept her in his life, because he was emotionally dependent on her. Who else could he talk to, who understood him so well, who had the best advice, who inspired him to reach for the stars? Thus, he never gave her what she needed. Yet, never let her go, either. If she ever got free of that relationship, the next would start, and finish the same way. At one point, in the movie, this woman was told,

"In the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend."

Why, if she was, as stated in the movie, "leading lady material," did she act the part of the best friend to the men in her life? I thought a lot about this and all I could come up with was fear (of rejection if she really put herself out there), and doubt (that she was good enough to be thought of as anything other then just a friend.). So, with this fear and doubt she acted in a way that doomed her to live out her fear.

So, how does one overcome such impediments standing in the way of Happiness?

First, we must remember that fear does not come of God.

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." (2 Timothy 1:7)

We also know that there is only one way to overcome fear. In the scriptures we are told that it is through charity or perfect love.

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear…" (1 John 4:18)

So, the key to overcoming fear in a relationship, is to love. One needs to love, not just, the one you want to have the relationship with, but love oneself, as well. Can you really love another if you don't love yourself first?

Which brings us to the second problem, which is doubt.

Doubt comes from not having a healthy self esteem. President James E. Faust spoke on the importance of a healthy self-esteem back in May 2007 in a CES Fireside. He started his talk by sharing,

"An unknown Englishman of early days offered this prayer: "O God, help me to hold a high opinion of myself." "That," said President Harold B. Lee of the Englishman's plea, "should be the prayer of every soul; not an abnormally developed self-esteem that becomes haughtiness, conceit, or arrogance, but a righteous self-respect that might be defined as 'belief in one's own worth, worth to God, and worth to man.

Indeed, the self-esteem that I speak of this evening is not blind, arrogant, vain, self-love but rather a self-esteem that is self-respecting, honest, and without conceit. It is born of inner peace and strength.

Self-esteem goes to the very heart of our personal growth and accomplishment. It is the glue that holds together our self-reliance, our self-control, our self-approval or disapproval and keeps all self-defense mechanisms secure. It is a protection against excessive self-deception, self-distrust, self-reproach, and plain old-fashioned selfishness." James E. Faust, The Value of Self-Esteem, CES Fireside May6, 2007

This healthy self-esteem, or self-worth coupled with love when possessed will emanate from our very beings. Then, and only then, can we truly act the part of the leading lady in our life. When this happens, we will see a difference in not only how the men in our life view us, but every other person in our life as well. This is what our Father in Heaven wants for us.

He wants us to be happy. I know this with all my heart. He wants us to not only marry and have families, but to be successful in them; for Heavenly Father knows that is where our greatest opportunity for happiness in this life is. He knows our fears, and doubts, and has provided a way to overcome them, so that we can receive all that He has planned for us. I know this is true, and I know that someday I'll be able to look back on the other side of life and see the confirmation of all I have just said.

I love the final counsel given by the Prophet Lehi in the Book of Mormon, to his sons, before his death:

"And now that my soul might have joy in you, and that my heart might leave this world with gladness because of you, that I might not be brought down with grief and sorrow to the grave, arise from the dust, my sons, and be men..." 2 Nephi 1:21

If you continue to read the following six verses, Lehi gives the characteristics of being a righteous "Man"(again the same things apply to women). However, these words had so much more meaning (then mere words) to his sons, for they were preceded with his example. Likewise, there are so many things my own parents have sought to teach me, and my siblings, which I will someday pass on to my own children.

For example, my parents are always trying to teach us that we need to take care of one another, to serve those in need, to be instruments in the hands of God, to give with no complaint, etc. Knowing that words would not be enough, my parents would seek out opportunities to ingrain within us these truths, opportunities, such as the snowstorm that occurred a few weeks ago...

We have gotten a lot of snow lately here in Utah. Now this is great if you love to go skiing, snow-boarding, or sledding. It is also great if you are a fan of making snow castles, snow men, or snow angels. It is even great if you are a fan of snowball fights. However, it is not great if you have to walk, or drive anywhere.

The other morning my family awoke to discover that it had snowed about six inches in the night. The moment my father saw the amount of snow that had fallen, he called my two younger brothers into the living room. He expressed to them, his concern for all the widows, single parents, young couples, sick, and elderly in the neighborhood who needed help to clear their walkways, and driveways. Moments later the three of them were bundled in their warm winter wear and heading out into the cold. Armed with a snow blower, broom, and shovels, they went to work.

Side by side, they worked together, imagining the looks of surprise and gratitude on the faces of the many they were secretly helping. When they finally came in from the cold (hungry, exhausted, and in at least Dad's case a lot of pain) hours later, more than 2/3 of the neighborhood was cleared.

Watching the shining eyes of my younger brothers, as they came in from the cold, I saw a glimpse of the men they will some day become. I think my mother and father saw it too, for they had a look in their eyes as well, which was moving to behold.

Every night I pray for my future spouse, that he too has been given that call to arise from the dust and be a man, whether by his own parents or by another close to him. Even more so, I pray that he heeds that call.

Through the classic tale of Alice in Wonderland, by Lewis Carroll, I was once taught a powerful lesson. There comes a part in the story where Alice stood at a crossroads not knowing which path she should take. Sitting at the crossroads was the Cheshire Cat. Alice asks the cat which way she should go. The cat wisely responded that it would depend on where she wanted to go. Alice replied that she did not much care, as long as she got somewhere. To that comment, the cat answered, "Then it doesn't matter which way you go."

If I don't have a destination in mind, then it matters not, which road I take. Now, let’s apply this principle to marriage. If I don't care what sort of man I marry, then it matters not whom I date. If that is true, then it is also true that if I do care about the sort of man I marry, it definitely matters, whom I date. Now, I don't know about you, but it matters very much what sort of man I marry. (It also matters to me where I marry, but that is the subject of another post.)

In the February 1999 Ensign there is a powerful article written by President Gordon B. Hinckley entitled, "Life's Obligations." In this article, he addressed the topic of choosing the right companion. He said,

"Choose a companion you can always honor, you can always respect, one who will complement you in your own life, one to whom you can give your entire heart, your entire love, your entire allegiance, your entire loyalty."

It has also been suggested by Elder Richard G. Scott that there are several attributes of a potential spouse which will contribute to happiness in marriage:

"a deep love of the Lord and of His commandments, a determination to live them, one that is kindly understanding, forgiving of others, and willing to give of self, with the desire to have a family crowned with beautiful children and a commitment to teach them the principles of truth in the home." Receive the Temple Blessings, Ensign, May 1999

I have had, on more then one occasion, single friends comment that this sort of man or woman, just mentioned by President Hinckley and Elder Scott, no longer exists. I know that to be untrue. I have been blessed in my life with many wonderful examples of just such men and women. Maybe this is because I am always on the look out for them, but that doesn't take away from the fact that they are there. I am sure that if you look, you too will find many such examples all around you. Let us not give up, but continue seeking for (and seeking to be) that companion spoken of by President Hinckley and Elder Scott.