Young Single Adults

I have heard many of my single adult friends complain about their parents seeming interfere with their life. Indeed I have heard the comments, "Why can't my parents just leave me alone?", or "Why can't they acknowledge that I am an adult?", or "If only they would stay out of my life."

I must admit that a time or three I used to feel that way, as well. As an adult I felt the need to spread my wings and independently fly. Part of becoming an adult was to be independent isn't it? It was my right and responsibility to think and act of myself (and live with the consequences.) Besides my parent's responsibility toward me was over, wasn't it?

I finally came to realize how unjust and immature I was being. It was pride and misunderstanding that stood in my way of accepting their wisdom, counsel, and involvement in my life. What I needed to realize was that my parents will never outlive their responsibility toward me, their child. President Ezra Taft Benson the 13th President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (also known as the Mormons)taught,

"Fathers and certainly mothers too, yours is an eternal calling from which you are never released. … A father's calling is eternal, and its importance transcends time. It is a calling for both time and eternity." To the Fathers in Israel,Ensign, Nov. 1987, Ezra Taft Benson

Where parents will never outlive their responsibilities as parents, when their children grow into adulthood, their parental roles do change. This can be difficult to adjust to on both sides. This merely necessitates more love and understanding.

"While parental responsibility never ceases, it does change. After the birth of a child, parents provide for the baby's every need. As the child grows, the amount of parental involvement decreases. Over time, the degree of involvement becomes harder for parents to determine. By the time children have reached adulthood, the complexity of determining the timing, extent, and direction of parental involvement in children's lives sometimes causes parents to give up. As a result, they either assume a very passive role or stop those relationships altogether. When this happens, everybody loses. Parents feel alienated from their children's lives and activities, and the children lose opportunities to draw on the wisdom their parents have accumulated through years of experience." July 2006 Ensign, Families Are Forever—and So Is Parenthood, By Garth Hanson and Steve Hanson

As we realize that our parents are trying to adjust to this new role they have in our lives, (which is not easy for them) and recognize that their actions stem from love toward us, then we can have more patience and understanding toward them.

There is still much that we can learn from our parents. There always will be. This is a great blessing to us. In closing I would like to remind all my single adult friends that as we learn how to adjust to our relationship with our parents, it is important for us to remember that being an adults, doesn't void God's commandment to always,

"Honour thy father and thy mother, as the Lord thy God hath commanded thee; that thy days may be prolonged, and that it may go well with thee, in the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee." Deuteronomy 5:16

This last weekend my sister was visiting with her new husband. They were planning their wedding reception which is coming up on the 12th of April. Saturday night, my new brother invited two of his good friends to come over. When they arrived, they demanded details on his whirlwind courtship with my sister. After three hours (because of so many interruptions)they had only gotten to the point in their story where they were holding hands (which occurred before the first and only date they had before getting married). We had to set up another game night to finish the story.

However, at one point in the narration of their courtship, one of his friends made the comment that listening to them it sounded like their courtship was as slow as molasses, which we all knew was anything but the case.

To this, my sister and her husband explained that their courtship wasn't slow, or rushed, but went naturally as God planned it. For as anyone who has seen my sister and her husband together can attest, they were clearly brought together by the hand of the Lord. They are perfect for each other. Where I have been to many weddings, this is the first time I have seen such a union of souls.

Many people have had problems with the shortness of my sister's engagement. Their first date was only days before they got engaged, and just under a week before they were sealed together in the Mt. Timpanogos Temple. What most people didn't know was that in the weeks before their first date they spent probably a hundred hours talking as they walked to and from school, church, firesides, and as they just sat in my sister's living room with their friends.

In an article entitles, Making Dating Smooth Sailing, which was adapted from a Brigham Young University–Idaho devotional address given on 18 November 2003, Sister Susan W. Tanner Young Woman's General President said the following,

"One of the ways to develop a strong, loving relationship is with sound communication. Communication is the way a good relationship begins and also endures. My unmarried children ask me constantly how it is that anyone ever gets together. It seems like such a mysterious puzzle. I know that everyone's falling-in-love story is different. But there seems to be at least one commonality among most stories. This is a spontaneity in conversation. So many couples say things like, ‘We just talked and talked; I lost track of time when we were talking; it was so comfortable to talk; we share the same sense of humor; we loved talking about our similar interests and values.’…

I've heard it said that "love is a long conversation." I believe it. In fact I often joke with our children that if I ever run out of things to say to Dad, then the marriage will be over. I'm pretty safe saying that, because we love to talk to one another about everything.

This communication that is so fun in a friendship is also essential as you really get to know someone's deeper self. A relationship may never develop into a courtship because it can't get beyond inch-deep generalities." Making Dating Smooth Sailing, New Era October 2004, Susan W. Tanner

With this sort of deep conversation they had often engaged in, my sister and her husband had formed a deep and lasting friendship long before they ever had their first date. Friendship came first, but courtship did follow. Because they were both worthy and prepared, when they each prayed to the Lord for confirmation about marriage their answers came sooner then most.

When they had their answer, they did not delay acting upon it. This, I believe to be most wise. When we do not act right away according to the revelations we have received, then sometimes we miss the opportunity to do so, and often we begin to doubt the revelation we received. I am so happy my sister and new brother followed the promptings of the spirit in coming together. I see how happy they are because of it.

Now for some friendship and courtship may take longer than others. This is fine. The important thing is to involve the Lord from the first. Follow the promptings of the spirit in how you approach your relationship, and in how you progress your relationship. And when you get your confirmation/direction from the Lord, do not delay upon action.

Late one night while, sitting around the campfire, at our last Singles Ward Relief Society campout, (we have one at least once a year) the question arose of what our greatest pet peeves were.

Some of the sisters claimed that they had no pet peeves for nothing bothered them. I must not be as perfected as they are yet, for I most definitely have some. I found myself nodding my head when some of my sisters answered,

-When someone chews with their mouth open

-Couples making out in public

-When someone is always putting them self down

-When couples are always putting down their other half

-Gossip, crudeness, or general meanness

When it finally came my time to answer, I had to stop and think for a moment. What is my greatest pet peeve? For, though these things may annoy me, I can normally, but not always, brush them off. Yet there is one thing that bothers me to no end. What is that? Cell phones in church or during important meetings.

Being a young single adult, I see this all too often. It is a common thing to hear the request at the beginning of a movie, class, or meeting to, "Please turn off your cell phone!" And yet then invariably sometime during the said event someone's cell phone goes off. When this happens the person with the cell phone always feels embarrassed and normally doesn't even answer the call, but instead fumbles with their phone to stop the ringing. However by that time, the person speaking has already been interrupted, and the rest of the audience distracted.

I have heard it referred to as an addiction of having to know who wants to speak to you as the reason why some people never turn their cell phone off, not even at church where they specifically ask you to do so. Today it is not just phones ringing that are a distraction in church, but the constant texting that is going on.

In a message given in the August 2007 New Era about texting and cell phones Russell and Brad Wilcox said,

"Like all communication tools, cell phones with text messaging capabilities can be positive or negative depending on how they are used. Stories can be told of a texted birthday greeting that made someone's day or a disaster that was avoided because someone was warned quickly and effectively in a text message. Still, not-so-positive stories can also be told of teenagers texting their friends during Sunday School or seminary lessons, of people being hurt by the content of a message received, or, …of people avoiding or disregarding those around them in favor of texting someone else." Keep Texting from Taking Over, Russell and Brad Wilcox

Two Sundays ago one of our high councilors in our Stake, issued a challenge to all of us Single Adults in his talk about preparing for our upcoming General Conference. He challenged us to turn off our cell phones during Conference this year. This wise high councilor said that though it is nice to know who wants to speak to us that at conference time we know who wants to speak to us. For the Lord said that,

"What I the Lord have spoken, I have spoken, and I excuse not myself; and though the heavens and the earth pass away, my word shall not pass away, but shall all be fulfilled, whether by mine own voice or by the voice of my servants, it is the same." Doctrine and Covenants 1:38

At conference time the Lord is trying to speak to us. The words that will be spoken by the Prophet, Apostles, and General Authorities of the church, are really the words of the Lord. And the message He wants to give us will bless us more than any message we could receive from one of our earthly friends. This is the same for our regular church meetings, however if this is too big a step, then I challenge my readers to start with General Conference (the coming weekend) and see what a difference it makes.

A number of years ago when I first joined my stake singles ward, I had a Relief Society Lesson that changed my life. I no longer recall all the details of the lesson, but there is one part that I will never forget.

The sister who was teaching Relief Society that Sunday, was a nurse. She works with babies, specifically premature ones. She told us that part of her responsibility was to visit the babies in their home after they were released from the hospital to give them checkups etc… Normally she enjoyed these checkups, but there was one home she always dreaded to go. It was a small home, and the only surface she could lay the baby upon to do the check up was a small coffee table in the front living room. Normally this wouldn't bother her, except that the parents always had the TV on and what they were watching was not something she ever wanted stored in her mind.

For weeks she struggled to just keep her head down and focus on the baby to get through the checkup as fast as she could and then leave. Yet, no matter how hard she concentrated, she could not block out what was being shown just a foot away from her head. Her quiet humming could block out the noise, but somehow no matter how hard she tried there she would always leave with at least one more unwanted image ingrained in her mind.

Then one morning while studying The Book of Mormon, she came across a powerful verse of scripture:

"And they pitched their tents round about the temple, every man having his tent with the door thereof towards the temple, that thereby they might remain in their tents and hear the words which King Benjamin should speak unto them." Mosiah 2:6

In her study that day my friend cross-referenced that scripture with this scripture,

"Abram dwelled in the land of Canaan, and Lot dwelled in the cities of the plain, and pitched his tent toward Sodom." Genesis 13:12

What an amazing difference the direction of their tents made in the lives of these two people. The first people pitched their tents toward the Temple of God, and the Lord's Prophet and they were greatly blessed because of it in so many ways. However, Lot pitched his tent toward Sodom, and the world, and in the end he lost everything including his wife.

After reading these two scriptures, my friend made a decision in how to handle this difficult circumstance. The next time she went to do the checkup, instead of just bending her head, she repositioned herself so that her back was to the TV all together. She said that this made all the difference in the world.

At this point she told us that we all have a choice to make. It was up to us to decide which direction we were going to pitch our tents in our lives. She reminded us that right now, in our single lives, we have the most freedom to rearrange the direction of our tents if needed. Later on when we have more permanently established our lives with our spouse and children it will be much more difficult to do so.

One cannot be strong all the time. Or at least I have not figured out yet how to be, though I am generally a happy person, and I try to look at the bright side of things. Every now and then the realities of my life come crashing down upon me. In those moments when I look at my life as it has been and compare it to the life I planned, I have my small moments of struggle. Now it isn't as if I haven't lead a good life, or that I haven't been greatly blessed in my life. It's just that as Anne Shirley (in the book Anne of Green Gables) couldn't imagine her red hair away, I cannot imagine away that I am twenty-five, a return missionary, and an oh so, single adult.

It's not just that I am not married. Oh, no it goes far beyond that. In my 25 years of existence (never mind the fact that I didn't start dating till I was 16) I have never had a single relationship. If truth were to be told, I have gone on fewer dates in my entire life, then most of my friends have in a year.

This used to weigh on me very much. I used to constantly wonder what was wrong with me. Why it was that the only guys, who showed even the slightest interest were guys that I was least inclined to go out with. On the same note, the men whom I did like, never showed the least interest in me.

One night while with a friend the topic of conversation turned to this oh so touchy subject. Fighting back the tears of frustration, I asked this dear friend his opinion of what was wrong with me. I had tried to figure it out for years, and fix it myself, but no matter what improvements in my nature I made, the results always stayed the same. I was unwanted.

That night my friend looked me straight in the eyes, and told me most sincerely, that there was nothing wrong with me. I just hadn't found the right one. Where others had told me this before, never had I was able to accept this answer. Then my friend said the sweetest thing a friend could say. He told me that he couldn't wait to someday meet the man worthy enough to win my heart. For that man will be amazing. I asked him why he said that, and to this, my friend replied with a smile, that I deserve to be equally yoked in my eternal marriage, and God knows this.

That conversation made all the difference in my outlook of my life. Now, I have no idea how long I will have to wait for that one man who will make my waiting and preparation worth it, but that is okay. I don't need to know. I can have peace in happiness in my life right now, by focusing on doing and being whatever God has planned for me. As long as I do that, then the rest will come in it's own due time.

Gordon B. Hinckley, a prophet of God, said,

"To you single women and men who wish to be married I say this: Do not give up hope. And do not give up trying. But do give up being obsessed with it. The chances are that if you forget about it and become anxiously engaged in other activities, the prospects will brighten immeasurably." A Conversation With Singles, President Gordon B. Hinckley

Now why am I thinking and thus writing about this today? Well I just received an e-mail from that same friend I have just written about. (He is leaving to serve a full-time mission next week.) In his e-mail he sent this little thought about how women were like apples on a tree. His cousin had sent it to him, and he felt that I needed to see it. I am glad he sent it, for when I read it I was reminded of that conversation long ago which I admit I needed to remember.

"Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree."