Young Single Adults

This morning when I woke up a scene from a favorite new movie came to mind. I have pondered this scene more then once since having seen it over a month ago, for it was quite the wake up call to me. Let me describe it to you:

Here you have a dashing prince. He has everything he could desire. Except his one true love, the other half of his soul, his one coquet, the one who was meant to finish his song. Yet what does he do about it? (Other then dream and talk about her to all his friends?) He finds ways to pass the time till she will fall into his lap so to speak. This way he doesn't feel so empty, or lonely in the mean time.

What the prince is unaware of is, the sad fact, that though he only intended his troll hunting to pass his time till the girl of his dreams fell into his lap, that his troll hunting was actually filling his time and keeping him from finding his one true love at all.

Like this prince, I have seen many of my friends fall into this same adversarial snare. They want to find their one true love, their other half, their Eternal Companion. They talk about this to their friends and family. They think and dream about it. They pray about it, and seek priesthood blessings about it. Yet this is where their effort stops.

I must admit that too often I have found myself in this category. I know that marriage is important. I know that we have been counseled by those in authority that,

"The most important single thing that any Latter-day Saint ever does in this world is to marry the right person, in the right place, by the right authority." Elder Bruce R. McConkie

I know this. Yet like the prince in the movie, and like many of my friends, I have found myself doing nothing tangible about it. No, we have been doing things to impede it, by filling our time with projects, hobbies, and entertainment thing that we are only passing the time till our one true love will suddenly appear in our lives and we can ride off into out Happily Ever After.

I have received my wake up call. (Even if it did come from watching a Disney movie) Now it is to put what I have learned in action.

1. I cannot just put my life on hold while waiting for my Prince Charming to appear. I need to move forward.

"If you are just marking time waiting for a marriage prospect, stop waiting. You may never have the opportunity for a suitable marriage in this life, so stop waiting and start moving." Dating Verses Hanging out, Ensign June 2006, Elder Dallin H. Oaks

2. I must be careful not to unrealistically fall for the first thing even resembling a prince that comes my way. What I need to determine what sort of man I wish to DATE and thus MARRY.

"Your chances for a happy and lasting marriage will be far greater if you will date those who are active and faithful in the Church. Such dating is most likely to lead to marriage in the House of the Lord." Four B's for Boys, /Ensign,/ Nov. 1981, President Gordon B. Hinckley

3. I need to determine if the things in my life are preparing me or preventing me for an Eternal Marriage, and being an instrument in the Hands of the Lord.

"Prepare yourself for life—even a single life—by education, experience, and planning. Don't wait for happiness to be thrust upon you. Seek it out in service and learning. Make a life for yourself. And trust in the Lord. Follow King Benjamin's advice to call 'on the name of the Lord daily, and [stand] steadfastly in the faith of that which is to come' (Mosiah 4:11)." Dating Verses Hanging out, Ensign June 2006, Elder Dallin H. Oaks

4. I need to have courage to act. To go out into the real world and meet people, to date (this means asking, and accepting where the spirit prompts), and to open myself up to form friendships, and relationships.

"Once you make a decision concerning whom you would desire to marry, may you have the courage to move forward." Whom Shall I Marry?, New Era October 2004, President Thomas S. Monson

I pray that we can all take these powerful lessons to heart. That we can set aside the distractions of the world, to prepare ourselves, seek, and find our Eternal Companions. That we may fulfill the measure of our creation, and find joy therein.

This last weekend my sister was visiting with her new husband. They were planning their wedding reception which is coming up on the 12th of April. Saturday night, my new brother invited two of his good friends to come over. When they arrived, they demanded details on his whirlwind courtship with my sister. After three hours (because of so many interruptions)they had only gotten to the point in their story where they were holding hands (which occurred before the first and only date they had before getting married). We had to set up another game night to finish the story.

However, at one point in the narration of their courtship, one of his friends made the comment that listening to them it sounded like their courtship was as slow as molasses, which we all knew was anything but the case.

To this, my sister and her husband explained that their courtship wasn't slow, or rushed, but went naturally as God planned it. For as anyone who has seen my sister and her husband together can attest, they were clearly brought together by the hand of the Lord. They are perfect for each other. Where I have been to many weddings, this is the first time I have seen such a union of souls.

Many people have had problems with the shortness of my sister's engagement. Their first date was only days before they got engaged, and just under a week before they were sealed together in the Mt. Timpanogos Temple. What most people didn't know was that in the weeks before their first date they spent probably a hundred hours talking as they walked to and from school, church, firesides, and as they just sat in my sister's living room with their friends.

In an article entitles, Making Dating Smooth Sailing, which was adapted from a Brigham Young University–Idaho devotional address given on 18 November 2003, Sister Susan W. Tanner Young Woman's General President said the following,

"One of the ways to develop a strong, loving relationship is with sound communication. Communication is the way a good relationship begins and also endures. My unmarried children ask me constantly how it is that anyone ever gets together. It seems like such a mysterious puzzle. I know that everyone's falling-in-love story is different. But there seems to be at least one commonality among most stories. This is a spontaneity in conversation. So many couples say things like, ‘We just talked and talked; I lost track of time when we were talking; it was so comfortable to talk; we share the same sense of humor; we loved talking about our similar interests and values.’…

I've heard it said that "love is a long conversation." I believe it. In fact I often joke with our children that if I ever run out of things to say to Dad, then the marriage will be over. I'm pretty safe saying that, because we love to talk to one another about everything.

This communication that is so fun in a friendship is also essential as you really get to know someone's deeper self. A relationship may never develop into a courtship because it can't get beyond inch-deep generalities." Making Dating Smooth Sailing, New Era October 2004, Susan W. Tanner

With this sort of deep conversation they had often engaged in, my sister and her husband had formed a deep and lasting friendship long before they ever had their first date. Friendship came first, but courtship did follow. Because they were both worthy and prepared, when they each prayed to the Lord for confirmation about marriage their answers came sooner then most.

When they had their answer, they did not delay acting upon it. This, I believe to be most wise. When we do not act right away according to the revelations we have received, then sometimes we miss the opportunity to do so, and often we begin to doubt the revelation we received. I am so happy my sister and new brother followed the promptings of the spirit in coming together. I see how happy they are because of it.

Now for some friendship and courtship may take longer than others. This is fine. The important thing is to involve the Lord from the first. Follow the promptings of the spirit in how you approach your relationship, and in how you progress your relationship. And when you get your confirmation/direction from the Lord, do not delay upon action.

One cannot be strong all the time. Or at least I have not figured out yet how to be, though I am generally a happy person, and I try to look at the bright side of things. Every now and then the realities of my life come crashing down upon me. In those moments when I look at my life as it has been and compare it to the life I planned, I have my small moments of struggle. Now it isn't as if I haven't lead a good life, or that I haven't been greatly blessed in my life. It's just that as Anne Shirley (in the book Anne of Green Gables) couldn't imagine her red hair away, I cannot imagine away that I am twenty-five, a return missionary, and an oh so, single adult.

It's not just that I am not married. Oh, no it goes far beyond that. In my 25 years of existence (never mind the fact that I didn't start dating till I was 16) I have never had a single relationship. If truth were to be told, I have gone on fewer dates in my entire life, then most of my friends have in a year.

This used to weigh on me very much. I used to constantly wonder what was wrong with me. Why it was that the only guys, who showed even the slightest interest were guys that I was least inclined to go out with. On the same note, the men whom I did like, never showed the least interest in me.

One night while with a friend the topic of conversation turned to this oh so touchy subject. Fighting back the tears of frustration, I asked this dear friend his opinion of what was wrong with me. I had tried to figure it out for years, and fix it myself, but no matter what improvements in my nature I made, the results always stayed the same. I was unwanted.

That night my friend looked me straight in the eyes, and told me most sincerely, that there was nothing wrong with me. I just hadn't found the right one. Where others had told me this before, never had I was able to accept this answer. Then my friend said the sweetest thing a friend could say. He told me that he couldn't wait to someday meet the man worthy enough to win my heart. For that man will be amazing. I asked him why he said that, and to this, my friend replied with a smile, that I deserve to be equally yoked in my eternal marriage, and God knows this.

That conversation made all the difference in my outlook of my life. Now, I have no idea how long I will have to wait for that one man who will make my waiting and preparation worth it, but that is okay. I don't need to know. I can have peace in happiness in my life right now, by focusing on doing and being whatever God has planned for me. As long as I do that, then the rest will come in it's own due time.

Gordon B. Hinckley, a prophet of God, said,

"To you single women and men who wish to be married I say this: Do not give up hope. And do not give up trying. But do give up being obsessed with it. The chances are that if you forget about it and become anxiously engaged in other activities, the prospects will brighten immeasurably." A Conversation With Singles, President Gordon B. Hinckley

Now why am I thinking and thus writing about this today? Well I just received an e-mail from that same friend I have just written about. (He is leaving to serve a full-time mission next week.) In his e-mail he sent this little thought about how women were like apples on a tree. His cousin had sent it to him, and he felt that I needed to see it. I am glad he sent it, for when I read it I was reminded of that conversation long ago which I admit I needed to remember.

"Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree."

Contention. Arguments. Dispute. Conflict. Disagreement. These words do not depict the true spirit of Christ, neither do they help to keep the Holy Spirit as a constant in one’s life.

One verse that comes to my mind every time I think 'contention' can be found in the Book of Mormon. We can read in 3 Nephi 11:29,

“For verily, verily, I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.”

Within this verse, one particular word jumps out: anger. It is one thing to disagree, or dispute something when done in the correct spirit. It is quite another when anger steps in to play.

During my first year of college I had five other roommates. We were all fairly good friends. Some of them I had known from high school. At one point during our year together we thought it would be funny to have one “Argument Day” during the week where we could just have a chance to vocally vent and get lots of frustrations out by pretending to be mad at each other.

I know. Not the most brilliant of ideas. But we were only eighteen at the time. We promptly settled on Thursdays, and for the first few weeks it turned out to be more of a joke than anything. We even tried to outdo one another when it came to odd insults. Phrases like, “Well, I can’t stand it when you brush your teeth too loud” would abound.

The dangerous thing about pretending to do something bad is eventually hurtful things will slip out. I am so sorry to say I’m the one who crossed the line.

My good friend Cynthia and I were trying not to giggle as we hurled odd assortments of insults at each other. Cynthia was besting me quite easily. I’ve never been good at confrontation, and this was no exception. My brain was frantically trying to come up with something good to say. Before I could completely think it through I yelled, “Well, at least I didn’t fail our last Psychology test.”

You see, Cynthia had a hard time with tests. She was brilliant in her homework and could answer any question in class, but when it came to tests she constantly struggled. I knew this, and before I’d always tried hard to help her do better. Yet in a moment of desperation I said something that hurt my friend. Though she tried to laugh it off and quickly yelled something back, I knew I had crossed a line.

“Argument Day” didn’t stick around too long after that. I think everyone realized even though we were just pretending, it was still a dangerous toy to play with.

I grew up knowing how vitally important it is to treat others with kindness. It is a valuable key in helping to build up the kingdom of God. Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles in the Mormon Church, gave a beautiful talk titled “The Virtue of Kindness.” In the April 2005 General Conference he said:

“Kindness is the essence of greatness and the fundamental characteristic of the noblest men and women I have known. Kindness is a passport that opens doors and fashions friends. It softens hearts and molds relationships that can last lifetimes. Kind words not only lift our spirits in the moment they are given, but they can linger with us over the years.”

I testify this is wonderfully true. I can also testify the opposite is sometimes true. Embarrassed with my actions, it took a few years before I asked my friend for forgiveness. She had completely forgotten the incident and instantly forgave me. I was so grateful the Lord had erased that memory from her. I am also grateful it has not been wiped from my own mind. I have used it as a reminder, as a warning, of what hurtful words can do even in play. Since that day I now focus on using only the kindest of words.

You know, looking at the focus on the family in the LDS Church can seem difficult to those who are single. I didn't marry until I was almost 32 years old, and it's only been 12 years. So I was single a lot longer than I've been married.

As I grew older and marriage seemed to fade from my future I had a choice to make. I looked at it two ways:

One: I could become bitter, hide away in my apartment and rail at the world for my single status. Which was not on purpose, by the way.

-or-

Two: I could look at all that I enjoyed, immerse myself in the gospel, become a good friend, sister and daughter, enjoy the families around me and live my life in such a way that there was something good about it every day. I decided to really focus on furthering and honing my skill as a writer. I decided to travel to places I'd always wanted to go. I began doing genealogy and family history. Which, by the way, with my family was pretty interesting.

I chose option two, although I know plenty who chose option one. Not a fun way to go, I promise.

Mormon life is one centered around family. My neighbor, who is single, has a circle of friends (all women) and for twenty years they have met every Monday for Family Home Evening. They plan activities and trips together. They function entirely as a family. Ideal, maybe not. But does it work, oh yeah.

So what do the prophet and apostles have to say about those who are single in the Mormon Church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints):

"Somehow we have put a badge on a very important group in the Church. It reads “Singles.” I wish we would not do that. You are individuals, men and women, sons and daughters of God, not a mass of “look-alikes” or “do-alikes.” Because you do not happen to be married does not make you essentially different from others. All of us are very much alike in appearance and emotional responses, in our capacity to think, to reason, to be miserable, to be happy, to love and be loved.

"You are just as important as any others in the scheme of our Father in Heaven, and under His mercy no blessing to which you otherwise might be entitled will forever be withheld from you.

"You are precious and important to Him. You are precious and important to the Church. You are precious and important to all of us." (Gordon B. Hinckley, “To Single Adults,” Ensign, Jun 1989, 72)

Single Mormons are just as critical to the Church as are its married members. We need your thoughts, experiences, spirituality, maturity and your personalities to enrich the lives of all you come into contact with. Just like any Mormon who is married.

There is a place for all in the Lord's kingdom, and as President Hinckley said, you are precious and important to Him, and to us. Never forget. Never leave us. Never lose hope. The Lord watches over you and knows the desires of your heart. This is a time to turn everything over to the Lord and offer to simply be the servant of God He needs you to be. This is where the greatest joy will be found.

There are days where I feel sorely misunderstood. Like there is no one in the world who has any idea what it feels like to be me. Everyone sees me for my mistakes and failings and not who I have become and what I can do. And sometimes I wonder if Mary Magdalene ever felt the same way.

We have all made mistakes. We all have our shortcomings. And some of ours are more publicly made than others. Sometimes it is a lack of a left hand ring, sometimes it is a divorce, and sometimes it is just something stupid we did ten years ago that we can’t ever seem to escape. Have you ever had your past come back to bite you years after you have repented and moved on? Just when you think you have left it all behind you and become a better person, because of your past someone else comes along and rather unkindly reminds the world of who you used to be. As if somehow it was their job to keep you humble and humiliated.

I think there is no better example of being remembered for your mistakes and not for what she could be than Mary Magdalene. She was devoted to her Lord. She went to the Tomb. She saw the Risen Lord. But there will always be a footnote next to her name linking back to Luke 8:2 “And certain women, which had been healed of evil spirits and infirmities, Mary called Magdalene, out of whom went seven devils.”

Of all the wonderful things we could remember about her we never are able to forget that before she was a devoted servant and follower of Christ she was possessed of seven devils. She believed and saw when no one else would. Mark 16:9-11

“Now when Jesus was risen early the first day of the week, he appeared first to Mary Magdalene, out of whom he had cast seven devils.

And she went and told them that had been with him, as they mourned and wept.

And they, when they had heard he was alive, and had been seen of her, believed not.”

How hard it must have been for Mary Magdalene. How hard it is for all of us to overcome our pasts. Maybe we’ll never truly escape our pasts, in spite of being forgiven for our mistakes. But there is one thought that brings some comfort. At least our mistakes and past have not been recorded for history to read in the most famous and widely read book the world has ever known like Mary Magdalene’s were.