Young Single Adults

I have this bad habit. I don't think I had it as a child. I seem to have developed it in my youth, and it has only gotten worse as I have grown into single adulthood. What is this habit I am talking about? I am always trying to do too much. I put so much on my plate that I either can't do it all and then end up beating myself up over it. Or, I do manage to do it all, and get so burned out that I crash and am worthless for a period of time afterwards.

I am told that this is a problem that most women suffer from. As women, we naturally have a lot that we have to juggle in our lives. Even more so once we are married and have children and a household for which we are responsible. Maybe that is why God blessed us with the wonderful ability to multi-task. And yet the more I develop that ability, the worse this problem seems to become, not better. It seems as if the more I can handle the more I load myself down with things to do.

Sometimes I wonder if this is just what God expects of me, and that I just need to learn how to handle. But this isn't what God wants of his children, especially his daughters. President Gordon B. Hinckley the 15th President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (aka the Mormons) said to the women of the church,

"I feel to invite women everywhere to rise to the great potential within you. I do not ask that you reach beyond your capacity. I hope you will not nag yourselves with thoughts of failure. I hope you will not try to set goals far beyond your capacity to achieve. I hope you will simply do what you can do in the best way you know. If you do so, you will witness miracles come to pass." President Gordon B. Hinckley

The Lord doesn't expect us to do more then we are able. He just wants us to do our best.

This requires us to prioritize our responsibilities and commitments to see what needs to be done now, and what can be done later. As President Hinckley once counseled, we can do everything, just not all at once. There is a proper time and season for everything. We need to use wisdom to see what the proper time, and the season for each responsibility in our life is.

This lesson was reemphasized in my mind the other night as I read in the Book of Mormon,

"And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order." Mosiah 4:27

I hope that we can all learn how to use wisdom and order in how we handle the responsibilities in our lives and that we can be diligent, and yet healthy in all we endeavor to do. I feel that this way, we can all win the prize.

A number of years ago when I first joined my stake singles ward, I had a Relief Society Lesson that changed my life. I no longer recall all the details of the lesson, but there is one part that I will never forget.

The sister who was teaching Relief Society that Sunday, was a nurse. She works with babies, specifically premature ones. She told us that part of her responsibility was to visit the babies in their home after they were released from the hospital to give them checkups etc… Normally she enjoyed these checkups, but there was one home she always dreaded to go. It was a small home, and the only surface she could lay the baby upon to do the check up was a small coffee table in the front living room. Normally this wouldn't bother her, except that the parents always had the TV on and what they were watching was not something she ever wanted stored in her mind.

For weeks she struggled to just keep her head down and focus on the baby to get through the checkup as fast as she could and then leave. Yet, no matter how hard she concentrated, she could not block out what was being shown just a foot away from her head. Her quiet humming could block out the noise, but somehow no matter how hard she tried there she would always leave with at least one more unwanted image ingrained in her mind.

Then one morning while studying The Book of Mormon, she came across a powerful verse of scripture:

"And they pitched their tents round about the temple, every man having his tent with the door thereof towards the temple, that thereby they might remain in their tents and hear the words which King Benjamin should speak unto them." Mosiah 2:6

In her study that day my friend cross-referenced that scripture with this scripture,

"Abram dwelled in the land of Canaan, and Lot dwelled in the cities of the plain, and pitched his tent toward Sodom." Genesis 13:12

What an amazing difference the direction of their tents made in the lives of these two people. The first people pitched their tents toward the Temple of God, and the Lord's Prophet and they were greatly blessed because of it in so many ways. However, Lot pitched his tent toward Sodom, and the world, and in the end he lost everything including his wife.

After reading these two scriptures, my friend made a decision in how to handle this difficult circumstance. The next time she went to do the checkup, instead of just bending her head, she repositioned herself so that her back was to the TV all together. She said that this made all the difference in the world.

At this point she told us that we all have a choice to make. It was up to us to decide which direction we were going to pitch our tents in our lives. She reminded us that right now, in our single lives, we have the most freedom to rearrange the direction of our tents if needed. Later on when we have more permanently established our lives with our spouse and children it will be much more difficult to do so.

A short while ago, I was watching a movie which I had not seen in a long time. In this movie, there is a certain young woman (she was actually just a side character in the film) who has always tugged at my heart strings. Due to the fact that her mother died, when she was a small child, she was raised solely by her father. Not knowing how to raise a daughter, he did the best he could and raised her as a boy. She was strong of body and character, but lacking in beauty and every feminine grace. More then once in the film this fact was remarked upon by those she came in contact with.

Anyway, as I was watching this movie my baby sister (nine years of age) walked in. She took one look at this awkward young lady on the screen and with an expression of awe said, "Oh my, isn't she just beautiful! Don't I look a lot like her? Do you think that when I grow up, I can be as beautiful as her?" I was struck, how could I tell my sister that this young lady was considered by the world as ugly and so very lacking? I held my tongue and instead looked closer to see if I could discern this beauty that was so apparent to my little sister. It only took a moment for me to begin to discern that beauty. This character had a strong inward beauty, but there was a hint at an outward beauty, as well. Only, like me, most of the other characters (including the girl herself) could not see it. As the movie progressed, the young woman was taught all she never had the opportunity to learn from a loving mother. As she learned how to act like a woman and look like a woman, I saw her grow in confidence, grace, and beauty. I saw this reflected in how those around her both saw and treated her, as well. This is a powerful lesson.

I was taught once that the way we appear affects the way we think, feel, act, and thus how others react toward us. I have found this to be true in my life, just as I saw it to be true with that young lady in the movie I just mentioned. The famous early American author Jack London understood this principle, and that is why in a letter to his daughter Jane he counseled,

"Never hesitate at making yourself a dainty, delightful girl and woman. There is a girl's pride and a woman's pride in this and it is indeed a fine pride. On the one hand, of course, never over-dress. On the other hand, never be a frump. No matter how wonderful are the thoughts that burn in your brain, always, physically, and in dress, make yourself a delight to all eyes that behold you…Our bodies are as glorious as are our minds…Never forget the noble things of the spirit, on the other hand, never let you body be ignoble. As regards to the garmenture of your body, learn to do much with little, never to over do, and to keep such a balance between your garmenture and your mind that both garmenture and mind are beautiful…Develop your mind to it's upmost beauty, and keep you body in pace with your mind." Letters of a Nation, pg 330-331

Contrarily, I have heard it said often enough that it is only the inside that counts. It matters not how you dress, groom, or carry yourself. That it bespeaks more humility and spirituality to not take care of your outward appearance. Where I can agree that it is the inside that mostly counts, we cannot forget the outward, in fact President Harold B. Lee counseled,

"Do not underestimate the important symbolic and actual effect of appearance. Persons who are well groomed and modestly dressed invite the companionship of the Spirit of our Father in Heaven and are able to exercise a wholesome influence upon those around them. Persons who are unkempt and careless about their appearance, or adopt the visual symbols of those who often oppose our ideals, expose themselves and persons around them to influences that are degrading and dissonant. Outward appearance is often a reflection of inward tendencies" President Harold B. Lee, "Be Loyal to the Royal Within You," BYU, 11 September, 1973

When I think of how our outward appearance is a reflection of what is inside, I think of Paul's statement in the New Testament,

"Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you? If any man defile the temple of God, him shall God destroy; for the temple of God is holy, which temple ye are"
1 Corinthians 3:16–17

Temples are sacred places. It is what happens inside that is most important. Yet have you ever visited a Temple of God? If you have (or if you have only seen a picture) then you have seen how beautiful the outward building, and grounds are. This is because like President Lee said, that the outward is merely a reflection of the inward. The temple stands as a candle on a hill, an invitation for all who see it to come unto Christ. If our bodies are temples, should not they act in the same way? Should not our outside reflect the glory within, and stand as a light to the world to help others come unto Christ?

I promise that as we better align out outward appearance to better reflect our inward self, then how we think, feel, and act will change,as will, how others react toward us. For, we will begin to see, the inherent beauty we were born with, and so will all those around us.

My friend (who was feeling rather poorly) invited me to come over to her home, the other day. She said that she was in the mood to watch a chick-flick, eat chocolate, and talk about life. I was happy to oblige her. There was a particular movie she wanted to watch, for as she put it, one of the main characters reminded her of me. As I began to watch, I realized that the resemblance between me and this fictional character were uncommonly similar. This, said, the movie was quite the wake up call. I swallowed a few hard truths about myself and how I approach relationships, which is probably why I haven't had much success. Later, the more I thought of it, the more I realized, that a lot of girls that I know, who are still single, are just like her, as well.

What was this woman like? Well, she was an intelligent, beautiful, sensitive, romantic woman. She was never lacking in friendship, but those friendships rarely developed into any real relationships. She was the one that men felt was “safe.” She gave her heart to a man who took it, and kept it, but did not return the favor. He gave his heart elsewhere, but kept her in his life, because he was emotionally dependent on her. Who else could he talk to, who understood him so well, who had the best advice, who inspired him to reach for the stars? Thus, he never gave her what she needed. Yet, never let her go, either. If she ever got free of that relationship, the next would start, and finish the same way. At one point, in the movie, this woman was told,

"In the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend."

Why, if she was, as stated in the movie, "leading lady material," did she act the part of the best friend to the men in her life? I thought a lot about this and all I could come up with was fear (of rejection if she really put herself out there), and doubt (that she was good enough to be thought of as anything other then just a friend.). So, with this fear and doubt she acted in a way that doomed her to live out her fear.

So, how does one overcome such impediments standing in the way of Happiness?

First, we must remember that fear does not come of God.

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." (2 Timothy 1:7)

We also know that there is only one way to overcome fear. In the scriptures we are told that it is through charity or perfect love.

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear…" (1 John 4:18)

So, the key to overcoming fear in a relationship, is to love. One needs to love, not just, the one you want to have the relationship with, but love oneself, as well. Can you really love another if you don't love yourself first?

Which brings us to the second problem, which is doubt.

Doubt comes from not having a healthy self esteem. President James E. Faust spoke on the importance of a healthy self-esteem back in May 2007 in a CES Fireside. He started his talk by sharing,

"An unknown Englishman of early days offered this prayer: "O God, help me to hold a high opinion of myself." "That," said President Harold B. Lee of the Englishman's plea, "should be the prayer of every soul; not an abnormally developed self-esteem that becomes haughtiness, conceit, or arrogance, but a righteous self-respect that might be defined as 'belief in one's own worth, worth to God, and worth to man.

Indeed, the self-esteem that I speak of this evening is not blind, arrogant, vain, self-love but rather a self-esteem that is self-respecting, honest, and without conceit. It is born of inner peace and strength.

Self-esteem goes to the very heart of our personal growth and accomplishment. It is the glue that holds together our self-reliance, our self-control, our self-approval or disapproval and keeps all self-defense mechanisms secure. It is a protection against excessive self-deception, self-distrust, self-reproach, and plain old-fashioned selfishness." James E. Faust, The Value of Self-Esteem, CES Fireside May6, 2007

This healthy self-esteem, or self-worth coupled with love when possessed will emanate from our very beings. Then, and only then, can we truly act the part of the leading lady in our life. When this happens, we will see a difference in not only how the men in our life view us, but every other person in our life as well. This is what our Father in Heaven wants for us.

He wants us to be happy. I know this with all my heart. He wants us to not only marry and have families, but to be successful in them; for Heavenly Father knows that is where our greatest opportunity for happiness in this life is. He knows our fears, and doubts, and has provided a way to overcome them, so that we can receive all that He has planned for us. I know this is true, and I know that someday I'll be able to look back on the other side of life and see the confirmation of all I have just said.